It's funny to look back on blog posts and read what was going thru my mind at the time. I guess that's why I write this thing anyhoo......for self therapy among other things. Some days are good and some are bad, today wasn't the highest on the list. It's little things that really set me off, I have to admit this part of the "grieving" process was very unexpected. My friend Amy, that lived down the street from us in Zurich, moved back to our area a year before we did, told me a story about how shortly after moving home she went to the store to look for a tabletop fireworks birthday popper (it's a real firework that you ignite a string at the bottom and it blows a fuse and explodes birthday confetti all over the table), very unsafe by American standards and so you'd never find one here. I remember her telling me that this set her in to tears in the middle of the store. Yesterday evening we headed over to the park with Chance's little neighbor friend. They stayed for about 15 minutes and then had to head back for a piano lesson, but while the dad and I were talking, he happened to draw my attention to the fact that we were the only people at the park, that the neighborhood was filled with a million kids, and where in the world were they? It's like an undisturbed ant mound in this neighborhood, everyone's nesting inside apparently. So he implants that in my head, and then happens to mention the gas drilling that will probably take place right down the street from us so that we can all get cancer, and then leaves me with "ya and the tornado that came thru here last year broke all sorts of trees in our back yard, and can you believe that it actually took the middle out of an electric pole with a diameter of more than a foot." EERK. Tornados rank almost as high on my fear list as black pool drains, of which we have 2 of them in our back yard.
Then they leave us there to play ALONE. I look up and realize, wow this park is EMPTY and all I want at that moment is to go back to Zurich, to my nice big park where tons of people we know were always there, where we could lay down a blanket and spend the afternoon. So then the crocodile tears come.....I'm going to die ALONE leaving this abandoned park, running from a giant tornado that will pick me up and throw me in my pool so I can get eaten by pool drains, and if that doesn't kill me, the cancer from the gas drills will.
Drama, I know, but it's an uncontrollable flight reaction that keeps ringing in my head, get me out of here, back to Zurich and fast.
Ryan said last night on the phone, maybe honey this all will pass once your hormones stabilize. Sometimes not the best choice of words for a woman who hasnt ovulated for the past 18 months but I do see his point. Jen.......what's that magic herb you found? Can you send me a care package?
So back to the beginning of the story. I was looking at a
blog post I wrote just before moving here, where I was so excited to plant our new vegetable garden. Somewhere inside I am still excited to do it, maybe that's what I need to do to finally get my feet wet and admit that yes, we do live here. I keep remembering one of Jen's emails where she said that we had a great thing, and now it is gone, we are all in different places, and we just have to let ourselves mourn for awhile.
So I'll let you know once I'm willing to set my feet down and get them wet. I think the vegetable garden will be the beginning of sticking my toes in the cold water, we'll see. Maybe in the fall.
